My sister has had anxiety for most of her adult life. For years, every time she told me she was struggling, I tried to solve it. I would list the reasons why the thing she was afraid of was unlikely to happen. I would point out evidence that things were going to be fine. I was genuinely trying to help. I was also, as she eventually told me very directly, making it worse.
What she needed was not for me to argue with her anxiety. She needed to feel like it was okay to tell me about it without receiving a counterargument. Once I stopped trying to fix and started just listening, things between us changed significantly.
If someone in your life has anxiety, this is for you.
What anxiety actually is
Anxiety is not simply worrying too much. It is a state in which the body and mind have activated their threat response for reasons that are not always connected to an actual threat. The person experiencing it usually knows, on some level, that the fear is disproportionate to the situation. Knowing that does not make the feeling go away. In fact, being told "you have nothing to worry about" often makes it worse because now they are anxious about the original thing and embarrassed about feeling anxious.
Understanding this changes how you talk to someone who is struggling. Your goal is not to convince them their anxiety is wrong. Your goal is to make them feel less alone in it.
What to say
Start by acknowledging what they are feeling without trying to change it. "That sounds really hard" or "I can hear how stressed you are about this" goes a long way. It tells them that you registered what they said, that you are not dismissing it, and that you do not need them to feel differently before you are willing to be present with them.
Ask what they need. "Do you want me to just listen or would you find it helpful to talk through options?" is one of the most useful things you can say to someone who is anxious because it gives them control over the conversation. Anxiety often involves a feeling of things being out of control. Offering them a choice about how the conversation goes gives some of that control back.
If they want to talk through the thing they are anxious about, let them. Ask questions that show you are engaged: "What feels most overwhelming about it right now?" or "What would need to be true for you to feel okay about this?" These questions help them think, rather than trying to think for them.
Say "I am here." Not in a way that promises you have answers. Just in a way that means you are not going anywhere and they do not have to manage this alone. That is often exactly what someone with anxiety needs to hear and rarely gets.
What NOT to say
"Just relax." This is the most common and least useful thing you can say to someone who is anxious. If relaxing were simple, they would have done it. Telling them to relax does not help them relax. It tells them their anxiety is an inconvenience and that they should be able to control it by trying harder.
"You are overthinking it." They know. They are probably already frustrated with themselves about this. You telling them that confirms that their anxiety is a problem with their thinking rather than a real experience they are having.
"Other people have it worse." This is true in the way that almost everything is true at the right altitude. It is not useful. Someone else having harder circumstances does not reduce the reality of what the person in front of you is feeling. This phrase closes down the conversation rather than opening it.
"I went through something similar and I got through it fine." This is usually well-intentioned but often lands as dismissive. Your experience is not their experience. What worked for you may not apply to them. Sharing your own story can be valuable sometimes, but not as a way to suggest that their anxiety is straightforward to manage.
When they are in the middle of a panic attack
If someone is actively panicking, the most important thing is to stay calm yourself. Panic can be contagious and calm can be contagious too. Lower your voice. Slow your speech. Do not give them a lot of instructions or information to process.
Something simple works better here than something complex. "I am right here with you. You are safe. Let me breathe with you." Offer your presence. Do not offer solutions. The panic will pass, and your job during it is just to make sure they do not feel alone.
The long game of supporting someone with anxiety
If someone you care about has anxiety as an ongoing part of their life, the support that matters most is not what you do during a crisis. It is the small consistent things over time. Asking how they are doing without making it a big deal. Not pushing them to do things they have said make them anxious. Not expressing frustration when anxiety affects plans. Treating their experience as real and valid without making it the defining thing about them.
People with anxiety are often very aware of the impact their anxiety has on the people around them. Letting them know you do not resent it, that you see all of them rather than just the part that struggles, is one of the most sustaining things you can do.
When you want to send a message
Sometimes you want to reach out to someone who is going through a hard time with anxiety and you do not know how to phrase it. You want to say something real without making them feel like a burden. unsaidit helps you find the right version of that message, one that is warm and specific and does not feel like it came from a mental health brochure. What someone with anxiety often needs most is just to feel genuinely seen by someone they trust, and the right message can do that.