When my closest friend went through her breakup last year I made almost every mistake in the book. I told her she was better off. I pointed out all the things that had been wrong with the relationship. I said "I never really liked him anyway" thinking that would help, not realizing that she still loved this person and what I had just done was make her feel like her feelings for someone she grieved were wrong.
She forgave me eventually. And from that experience I learned what actually helps someone through a breakup, which is almost the opposite of what feels instinctive to do.
Do not make the other person the villain right away
The instinct when your friend is hurting is to direct anger at whoever caused it. You say all the critical things about the ex that you have been holding back. You remind her of the red flags. You try to make the loss feel smaller by making the person seem worse.
The problem is that your friend probably still loves this person, or at least still has complicated feelings about them. When you tear the other person down, you put your friend in the position of defending someone she is also angry at, or feeling ashamed of her feelings for someone you are now describing as terrible. Neither of those things helps.
Follow their lead. If they want to be angry, be angry with them. If they are still sad and grieving, sit in that with them. Your job is not to fast-forward them through the feelings that feel uncomfortable to witness.
Do not offer perspective they did not ask for
"You'll find someone better" and "everything happens for a reason" and "at least you found out now before it got more serious" all sound helpful. They are all variations of telling the person that their pain is smaller than it feels, which is not what someone in the middle of grief needs to hear.
In the first days and weeks, your friend does not need perspective. They need to feel like what they are going through is real and hard and that you understand that. The perspective, if they want it, comes later.
Show up practically
After a breakup, everyday life does not stop. There are still things that need doing and the motivation to do them is gone. Being there practically is often more valuable than any words you say. Coming over to sit with them. Bringing food. Going for a walk. Making them leave the house even when they do not want to.
The friends my friend remembered most from that period were not the ones who sent the best messages. They were the ones who showed up at her door with takeout on a Tuesday night and sat with her while she cried and did not try to make her feel anything other than what she was feeling.
Keep showing up after the first week
The first few days of a breakup bring a rush of support. Everyone checks in. Then life continues for everyone else and the check-ins get less frequent. But the grief of a breakup often gets harder in weeks two and three when the shock has worn off and the reality of the loss settles in.
Checking in three weeks later, a month later, means more than most people realize. It tells your friend that their pain did not have an expiry date in your eyes.
When you want to send them something
If you want to reach out to a friend going through a breakup and are not sure what to say, unsaidit can help you write something that sits with them in the grief rather than trying to talk them out of it.